'Murder On The Farm'




CAST     15+ Cubs in pyjamas, some with torches.

                Cub Leader.

                Detective in plain clothes.

                Policeman in uniform.

 

(TOTAL DARKNESS,  CURTAINS OPEN TO CUBS IN SLEEPING BAGS LYING ACROSS THE STAGE WITH FEET TO THE AUDIENCE.  THEY ARE WHISPERING AND USING TORCHES,  DAVID AND JASON ARE GIGGLING.   BEHIND THEM IS A GAUZE CURTAIN GIVING THE EFFECT OF THE BACK OF THE TENT. SILHOUETTE OF FARM MAY BE SEEN BEHIND.)

 

IAN                        'Shut up giggling David. I want to go to sleep!'

JASON                   'Shhh!'

JIMMY                  'You can't sleep anyway. It's too hot!'

IAN                        'Well everyone else is asleep.'

JIMMY    (SHINES TORCH IN FACE OF MICHAEL NEXT HIM) 'Are you asleep?'

MICHAEL             'Ow, what's the matter? I'd just dozed off.'

JASON                   'Jimmy woke you up on purpose!'

JIMMY                  'No I didn't.'

JASON                   'Did.'

JIMMY                  'I didn't.'

IAN                        'Yes he did.'

JIMMY                  'I'll sort both you two out!' (HE STEPS OVER MICHAEL..ONTO PETER)

PETER                    'Ow, you trod on my leg.'

MICHAEL             'Jimmy's waking everybody up!'

JIMMY                  'I ain't.'

                (DAVIDS GIGGLING)

KEITH    (SITTING UP)  'Well he woke me up.'

BRIAN   (ALSO SITS UP) 'What's all the noise?'

JASON                   'It's Jimmy.'

JIMMY                  'It's not. Look I'll smash the lot of you in a minute.'

ANDREW             'Well I can't sleep for the smell of the Pigs!..... I wish I was back home!'

JIMMY                  'So do I!'

PETER                    'Oh shut up, it's smashing here.'

MICHAEL             'Yeah.'

IAN                        'It is if you can get to sleep.'

ANDREW             'All right, lets vote. Who thinks it's good here?'

                (HE SHINES TORCH ON ALL THOSE SITTING UP. THEY ALL HAVE THEIR

                HANDS UP EXCEPT JIMMY.)

ANDREW             'And who wants to go home?'

                (JIMMY AND ANDREW PUT THEIR HANDS UP.)

PETER                    'See. You’re outvoted.'


 

2.

 

JIMMY                  'But half haven't voted yet!'

                (HE WALKS ALONG SHINING THE TORCH AND WAKING THE REST UP.)

JIMMY                  Oi' 'Put your hand up if you want to go home!'

ADAM                  'Get off.'

JIMMY                  'Oi.' 'Put your hand up if you want to go home!'

SIMON                  'Pack it in.'

JIMMY                  'Oi. Put your hand up if you want to go!'

BEN                        'I went before I got into bed.'

JIMMY                  'Oi!'

MATHEW            'Go away. (SHOUTS) 'GO AWAY!'

                (OTHERS WAKE UP)

OTHERS                'What's going on?'

               

                (CENTRE OF GAUZE OPENS AND LEADER STEPS IN.)

LEADER                'Yes, what is going on?'

(SEVERAL BOYS TOGETHER)         'I'ts Jimmy!'

JIMMY                  'It’s not!'

LEADER                Now stop it all of you, calm down. It's your first night in camp and you’re bound to be

                                excited.'

ANDREW             'I'm not excited about the Pigs.'

LEADER                'Well you knew you were coming to camp on a farm. Tomorrow there'll be lots to see

                                and do, but now it's bed. So back in your sleeping bags.'

IAN                        'It all started because David and Jason were giggling.'

LEADER                'You'll get giggling if Akela comes over. Now you shouldn't have any trouble getting to

                                sleep. It's nice and peaceful, and quiet.'

 

                (THERE IS A POLICE SIREN AND BLUE FLASHING LIGHTS. ALL BOYS JUMP UP)

 

LEADER                'Now calm down, calm down. I'll go and see what's going on. You all wait here.'

                (LEADER EXITS.  THERE IS A PAUSE, THEN)

BEN                        'Quick, look out and see what's going on.'

                (THERE IS A SCRAMBLE FOR THE OPENING WHICH JIMMY WINS)

JIMMY                  'Cor!'

KEITH                    'What is it? What is it?'

BEN        (ALSO LOOKING OUT)  'There's loads!'

KEITH                    'What is it? What is it?'

PAUL                     'Yeah, and they're running.'

KEITH  (EXPLODING)  'What is it?'

MICHAEL             'There are two police cars and the policemen are running towards the end of the farm

                                where the pond is.'

BEN                        'I bet it's a "Murder!".'

ADAM                  'Cor, do you reckon.'

JIMMY                  'Quick! There's someone coming.'

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

3.

 

                (THEY ALL SCRAMBLE BACK INTO BED. ENTER LEADER)

LEADER                'Is everything all right?'

PETER                    'What's happened?'

ADAM                  'Is it a Murder?'

LEADER                'There's nothing for you to worry about.'

KEITH                    'But what is it?'

BEN                        'It is a murder.'

LEADER                'Now don't be silly. Back to sleep all of you.'

JIMMY                  'We can't sleep now, with all the fuss.'

ANDREW             'Yeah and all the heat, and the smell. I'd still rather be at home.'

LEADER                'Of course you wouldn't. It's lovely in the countryside.'

 

                SONG..............'MILES AND MILES'.

 

LEADER                'Right. Now for the last time, everyone stay quiet and sleep.'

                (EVERYONE SETTLES DOWN AND LEADER EXITS.   SHORT PAUSE..THEN)

 

IAN                        'Jimmy?'

JIMMY                   'What?'

IAN                        'Do you think it is a murder?'

BEN                        'Course it is, you can tell.'

MICHAEL               'I bet the farmer's murdered his wife!'

PETER                    'Why do you think that?'

MICHAEL             'My dads always said that farmers get away with murder!'

SIMON                  'My dad says that about plumbers!'

ANDREW             'Well whoever the murderer is, I bet we could catch him!'

JIMMY                  'Yeah,  and smash him up.'

ADAM                  'But he might have a big spanner to hit us with....If he's a plumber.'

MARK                   'No that was just a joke, you idiot!'

BEN                        'I bet the murderer's still out there somewhere.'

JIMMY                  'Well let’s go and look.'

IAN                        'What out there?'

 

                (JIMMY AND ANDREW ARE OPENING THE TENT / CURTAIN)

MICHAEL             'Who's going first?'

ANDREW             'We could all go together.'

KEITH                    'Not likely. I'm allergic to murderers.'

SIMON                  'It'll be alright if we all stick together.'

IAN                        'But it's too dark to see.'

MARK                   'That's alright, we can call out to each other!'

 

                SONG.................'JUST SHOUT'.

 


 

4.

 

                (AFTER SONG,  AS MUSIC IS FADING,  THEY TIPTOE THROUGH CURTAIN)

 

DETECTIVE          (FROM OFF)  'Here what's going on?'

CUBS                     'Got You!'

DETECTIVE          'Here just a minute!'

 

                (CUBS FROGMARCH DETECTIVE BACK THROUGH CURTAIN INTO VIEW)

 

CUBS     (ALL ASK AT ONCE)         'Who did you murder?'        'Where's the weapon?'

                                                                                'Where's the body?'                             'What's your name?'

 

        (ENTER UNIFORMED POLICEMAN AND LEADER)

 

DETECTIVE          'Tell them who I am,'

POLICEMAN        'This is Detective Sergeant Winklebottom.'

LEADER                'Don't any of you say a word.'

JIMMY                  'I bet you.....

LEADER                'JIMMY!'

DETECTIVE          'You didn't have to tell them my name. Just who I am.'

SIMON                  'Are you really a detective?'

DETECTIVE          'Yes I am.'

POLICEMAN         'Yes he is.'

PETER                   'Well who's the murderer then?'

DETECTIVE          'What murderer?'

POLICEMAN         'What murderer?'

BEN                      'The one who did it. The murder.'

DETECTIVE          'Have we had a murder reported?'

POLICEMAN        (LOOKS IN HIS BOOK)  'Not all day.'

ANDREW             'Then why are you here?'

DETECTIVE          'Rustlers!'

MICHAEL             'Who?'

POLICEMAN        'Pig Rustlers! It's all the rage in these parts.'

DETECTIVE          'And we thought we might catch them tonight. The farmer rang to say all his female

                             pigs had disappeared!.

POLICEMAN        'But we found them.'

 

                (DETECTIVE LOOKS DAGGERS AT POLICEMAN)

 

POLICEMAN        'Well, he found them.'

JIMMY                  'Where are they?'

DETECTIVE          (SLOWLY AND DELIBERATELY) 'Well. Some person or persons, probably

                                small boys, put them all in a rowing boat and pushed it into the middle of the pond.'

LEADER                'Who knows anything about that?'

 


 

5.

 

                (CUBS ALL BACK AWAY SHAKING THEIR HEADS AND SAYING  'NOT ME')

LEADER                'Well pigs can't climb into boats on their own!'

POLICEMAN        'And even if they could, they can't row!.......Their legs are too short.'

DETECTIVE          'We've got to find out who it was. After all there's the question of wasting Police time!'

LEADER                'Do you know anything about it Jimmy?'

JIMMY                  'Why is it always me? I haven't been near the pigs!'

LEADER                'Well who has?'

KEITH                    'David and Jason were over by the pond. I saw them!'

 

                (JASON PULLS A FACE AT KEITH)

LEADER                'Do you two know anything about it?'

JASON                   'Well... It was David’s idea.'

LEADER                'Come here David.  What's been going on?'

DAVID                   'I wanted to stop the mother pigs being killed.'

LEADER                'Well all pigs have to die in the end  David. You can't stop it.'

DAVID                   'But Jimmy said they'd be killed quicker because they were Chinese pigs.'

JIMMY                  'I never!'

LEADER                'But what's being Chinese got to do with it?'

DAVID                   'Well Jimmy said they were going to be made into 'Sweet And Sow' sauce.'

LEADER                'Sweet And Sow Sauce!'....(TO AUDIENCE) 'It's alright for you...We have to

                                put up with these jokes every night!'

 

                BLACKOUT

 

 

 

SUGGESTED LAYOUT ACROSS STAGE

 

                                M       P       B       M       B       S       K       I       D       J       P       M       J       A       A

                                A       A              A       E        I        E      A      A       A      E        I        I        N       D

                                R       U        I        T        N        M       I       N      V       S      T       C       M       D       A

                                K        L       A       H                 O        T               I       O      E       H       M       R      

                                                   N       E                  N       H                 D         N         R         A         Y          E

                                                                                W                                                                                             E                     W

                                                                                      L

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

6.

 

SONGS

 

'MILES AND MILES'                                                                                                                Piano Miles & Miles

 

Summer sun will shine on you,

Makes each morning feel like new,

All of life is in the open air.

Birds are singing overhead,

Babies waiting to be fed,

You can walk all day and go nowhere!

               

                And you can see miles and miles, there's no people in the way,

                and there's new things everyday - to see and do.

                You can see miles and miles over fields of swaying corn,

                baby Lambs all newly born are there for you.

 

(BOYS)

Messy dirt gets in your shoes,

Smelly farms give me the blues,

I've been a day and not seen one T.V!

(LEADER)

A'h but rabbits playing in the sun,

Trees to climb for everyone,

Open fields as far as you can see!

 

                And you can see miles and miles, there's no people in the way,

                and there's new things everyday - to see and do.

                You can see miles and miles over fields of swaying corn,

                baby Lambs all newly born are there for you.                 You can see miles and miles!

 

                                         .................................................................

 

'JUST SHOUT'

 

Somewhere in the darkness there might be a man,

Someone who can 'Murder' we'll catch him if we can.

You look over your side, I'll look over mine,

 and if you see the slightest thing give us all a sign.

 

Just Shout. and we will hear you.

                Just Shout. and we'll be near you.

Just Shout and we will all be there!

 

Somewhere in the farmyard there might be a clue,

 maybe there's a villain standing next to you!

Maybe he's a monster come from outer space!

Well if he is, I'll get a twig and slap him in the face!

 

Just Shout. and we will hear you.

Just Shout. and we'll be near you.

Just Shout and we will all be there!

 

When your feeling nervous hold onto my hand,

if somebody sees you they will understand.

Working altogether we'll beat him easily.

 and if you see him do stay calm, ask him home for tea!

 

Then Shout. and we will hear you.

Just Shout. and we'll be near you.

Just Shout and we will all be there!

 

.

 
 
 
'Murder On The Farm' Original performance
1st Bury St Edmunds (Mayors Own) 1992 ©Colin Siequien