'Sausages'



Trevor and Kevin -  Are dressed as Sausages that are strung together so they move very

                                awkwardly. They do not have arms.

Oz  -    A Sausage that has shades on and stripes from a Barbeque grille on his chest. He

            has arms. Also very bad breath.

Tutu -  A Chipolata who is dressed to kill with lots of lipstick and a handbag.  She has arms.

            (Can be female or male in drag.)

Cocktail  -   A 6-8 year old.

                                                               

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(TREVOR AND KEVIN ENTER.) 

 

TREVOR       “Can you please try and walk in step?  It doesn’t have to be this hard!”

KEVIN          “I’m doing my best, but it’s a job keeping up with you!”

TREVOR       “You simply have to walk in step!”

KEVIN          “I’m trying. ..I’m trying!”

TREVOR       “Well it’s a lost cause now anyway. They are long gone!”

KEVIN          “Cheer up! We can keep looking.”

TREVOR       “Yes but look where?      We don’t know where they were taken.”

KEVIN          “I don’t know why you’re in such a mood. It’s not my fault we got                                 separated from your 'Girlfriend'."             

TREVOR       “It’s just my luck, when they cut the string she went with the others and

                    I get left behind with... (LOOKS AT KEVIN) ..you!”

KEVIN          “Well let’s just make the best of it. Look on the bright side, at least no one

                    will want to eat us now we’ve been on the ground!”


TREVOR       “That’s another thing. I don’t mind falling over once. But every time you

                    lose your balance 'we' go down."


KEVIN          “I can’t help it! You walk too fast!”

TREVOR       “I dread to think what we rolled over in that grass!  Speaking of which, you

                    have something on you!”

KEVIN          “Where?”

TREVOR       “Just there.”     (TREVOR NODS TOWARDS KEVIN SIDE)

KEVIN          “Where? Where?”

            (KEVIN TRIES TO LOOK AT HIS SIDE BUT THE STRING STOPS HIM)

 

  (OZ  ENTERS FROM SAME SIDE AS T&K SO THEY HAVE TO SHUFFLE OUT OF HIS WAY.)

OZ               “Gooday!”

KEVIN          “Hi.”

TREVOR       “Mmm.”

OZ              “It’a beaut day! I’m really glad I managed to escape from the Barby!”

KEVIN          “Escape?”

OZ            “Ah it was easy really. The Barby was rocking a bit on the rough ground so I

 just rolled towards the edge. After that it was all downhill..... Literally!”

KEVIN        “Have you ‘rolled’ far?”

OZ            “Nah just far enough to cool down a bit. It was starting to get hot on there!”

TREVOR     “What’s that smell?”

OZ              (WAVING HIS HAND IN FRONT OF HIS MOUTH)  “Oh sorry mate! My breaths

                   a bit loud, I can’t help it. It’s the special flavouring.”

 

(T & K TRY TO MOVE AWAY A BIT)

 

TREVOR       “What special flavouring?”

OZ               “Lamb and Garlic! Once I get heated the flavour comes right out!”

TREVOR       (TRYING TO MOVE AWAY AGAIN)  “Yes. Doesn’t it!”

KEVIN          “Is that a special flavour just for the Barbeque?”

OZ               “Oh No. They do the same flavour in a regular Sausage. You can only tell

                    we’re different by the label.  If it says  ‘Australian Barbeque Sausages’.

                    ’With Special Thick Skins’!  Then you know you’ve got the real deal.”


TREVOR       (LOOKING INTO AUDIENCE)  “Yes!”

OZ               “Where you off to?”

KEVIN          “We were trying to catch up with the rest of our group. The string was cut

                     and we got left behind.”

OZ               “Ah you’re best without them.They’ll be cooked somewhere by now!”

TREVOR       “Don’t say that. My girlfriends with them!”

 OZ              “Is that right?..Sorry to hear that.  Still forget em. That’s the only way!”

TREVOR       “It’s not that easy. We’ve been together since the beginning!”

OZ               “Oh. Right!”......”So have you got any kids?”

TREVOR       “What?”

OZ               “Well I’ve seen those Baby Sausages running about. Are they yours?”

TREVOR       “What are you talking about?”

OZ               “You must have seen the little fellas!”

KEVIN          “I think you mean ‘Cocktail Sausages’!”

OZ               “Cocktail?   Oh Right!”

TREVOR       “Good grief!”

OZ               “Have you tried looking in the Park? I saw plenty of sausages there.”

KEVIN          “Yes we came that way.  It’s full of people today!”

OZ               “I know. Lots of Sport going on, I guess it’s the weekend.”


          (TUTU ENTERS.)

 

OZ               “Hey!  Is this the Girlfriend?”

TREVOR       (SADLY)  “No.”

OZ               (MOVING TOWARDS TUTU)  “Hi. What’s your name?”

 

          (TUTU IGNORES OZ.  AS HE GETS NEARER SHE PUTS HER FINGER UNDER HER

            NOSE AND MOVES TO THE OTHER SIDE.)

         

KEVIN          “Hello.”

TUTU           “Hello.”

TREVOR       “Have you seen any other girls around?”

TUTU           “No. Why?”

KEVIN          “He’s lost his girlfriend.”

TUTU           “No. Sorry.”

OZ               (MOVING TOWARDS TUTU) “Hey I bet you used to be a cute

                    ‘Cocktail Sausage’ once!"

TUTU           (MOVING AWAY) “What?”

KEVIN          “I think he’s confused.”

OZ               “Have you been made locallyl?”

TUTU           “What???”

OZ               “Nah, I met a Cumbrian Sausage earlier. I thought maybe you were a  

   (USE LOCAL NAME) ...............Sausage.”


TUTU           “Somebody tell him I’m a ‘Chipolata’!”

 OZ              “Where’s Chipolata? Is that near here?”

KEVIN          “It’s not a place it’s a type of Sausage!”

OZ               (LOOKING AT TUTU)  “Don’t tell me, it’s a ‘Sizzler’!”

TREVOR       “Good Grief!”

KEVIN          (TRYING TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT)  “Where shall we go now?”

OZ               “Hey. I’m going wherever she’s going!”

TREVOR       “Which way have you come?”

TUTU           “I was in the .............. Shop but I was the only girl there.” (LOOKING

                     AT  OZ) “I was glad to get away!”

KEVIN          “Well we’ve had a rest. Maybe we should get moving?”

TUTU           “What is that smell?”

TREVOR       “Yes, I think it’s getting worse!   Are you sure that’s just Lamb and

                    Garlic? It’s very strong!”

TUTU           “It’s probably something he rolled in!”

TREVOR       “It certainly smells like it!”

KEVIN          “That’s right. Like the Dogs do in the park.”

OZ               (SNIFFING THE AIR) “Yeah. Well that might be right. I did do a lot of

                     rolling”

TUTU           “Speaking of Dogs, I can see a big one coming now.”

KEVIN          “A Dog?  Where, where?”

TUTU           “A huge Dog, running this way!”

OZ               “Ah that’s not good. Dogs will eat anything! Especially Sausages.”

TREVOR       “Oh. No! This isn’t how it should end!”

 

        (TREVOR AND KEVIN NOW GO INTO PANIC MODE. IN THEIR CONFUSION THEY

         RUN INTO EACH OTHER BEFORE RUNNING OFF STAGE.)  

        (OZ TRIES TO ACT COOL AS HE TOO EXITS.)

 

          (TUTU NOW OPENS HER HANDBAG ,TAKES OUT A SHORT DOG LEAD, THEN

            WALKS TOWARDS OPPOSITE WINGS CALLING)

 

TUTU           “Cocktail. Here Cocktail.”


            (ENTER COCKTAIL ON ALL FOURS DRESSED AS A  'SAUSAGE DOG'.)

                (TUTU WINKS AT AUDIENCE AS THEY EXIT TOGETHER.)

 

 

                                                                                                                   Colin Siequien © 2013