'Return Of The Earth-Maiden'
'Return Of The Earth-Maiden'
Cubs finished early so the boys go exploring.
They discover the mad Professors Rocket and the next thing we know they
are on a strange planet trying to rescue someone who's stranded there.
The sketch has 2 songs including 1 Adult solo.
CAST David A Cub who tends to take charge.
Peter A Cub who always speaks in rhyme.
Michael A Cub who is not very brave.
Philip A Cub who is always losing things
The Professor A science boffin
Earth Maiden Adult who has been trapped on the Moon
Moon Children (Aprox 10 - 20)
(WITH TABS CLOSED, THE FOUR CUBS WALK ACROSS FRONT OF STAGE) .
Michael 'I still don't see why we suddenly have to go home this way.'
Philip 'Because Cubs finished early, so we've got time to explore the mad Professors house!'
Michael 'Well I don't want to, and anyway, I don't even think he is mad!'
David 'He'll be mad all right. If he hears us coming. Shut Up!'
Philip 'I think the door into his laboratory is somewhere here.'
Peter 'That's just a wall you fool!'
Philip 'No. No, I'm sure there's a door here somewhere.'
David 'You've probably lost it. Just like you lost your subs, just after you passed the Chip shop!'
Michael 'It's not his fault he keeps losing things. It's just the way he is. EEK! What's that?
(THE CURTAINS START TO OPEN IN A JERKY WAY AS IF THEY WERE A GIANT SLIDING DOOR)
David 'Quick. Over here!'
(THE CUBS DART TO SIDE OF STAGE. WHEN CURTAINS ARE OPEN WE SEE A LARGE ROCKET CENTRE STAGE. TO ONE SIDE THERE IS A DESK WITH THE 'PROF' AND HIS ASSISTANT BUSY TWIDDLING KNOBS.)
Prof' 'I knew you'd do something wrong, you silly assistant! Now you've opened the maindoors, it'll take ages close them!'
Assistant 'But I'm sure it wasn't me. I didn't touch anything!'
(DURING THIS THE CUBS HAVE BEEN DRAWN TOWARDS THE ROCKET, WITH SOME RELUCTANCE FROM MICHAEL. THE PROFESSOR NOW SEES THEM.)
Prof' 'What are you doing here?'
David 'Sorry sir, we just happened to be passing and noticed that your wall was - sort - of - open.'
Prof' 'Yes. We can't get it shut.'
Peter 'It's not disposed to be closed!'
Michael 'Shut up Peter, you and your rhymes.'
Prof' 'Yes, well I can't have you boys staying here. You've seen too much already. Off you go.
(THE BOYS EXIT)
Prof' 'Right. 'Assistant', I've got to go into town to get some more atomiser.
Dont you dare go home until you've got those doors to close!'
(PROF' EXITS AND ASSISTANT SPENDS SOME SECONDS TWIDDLING KNOBS WITH LOTS OF MOANS AND GROANS...THEN..)
Assistant 'Oh I'm off! I'm not missing 'Eastenders' for anyone!'
(HE EXITS AND ALMOST AT ONCE THE CUBS REAPPEAR. PETER IS ALMOST DRAGGING MICHAEL. THE OTHER TWO GO STRAIGHT TO THE ROCKET.)
Philip 'Come on Michael. There's nothing to be scared of. The coast is clear!'
Michael 'I'm not scared. I'm just not interested in rockets, that's all.'
David 'Wonder what it's made of? Some special kind of metal, I bet!'
(PHILIP HAS BEEN FEELING AT ONE SIDE . SUDDENLY A DOOR OPENS)
Philip 'Cor! It's a door!'
Peter 'That's my line.'
Peter (MORE POSHLY) 'Core! It is a door!'
(DAVID & PHILIP ARE LOOKING INSIDE THE ROCKET)
Philip 'Hey, this is great!'
Michael 'Oh come on. I want to go.'
(THERE ARE NOISES OFF INDICATING THAT PROF IS RETURNING)
David 'Quick, someone's coming. Hide in here.'
(MICHAEL IS PULLED INTO ROCKET WITH THE OTHERS AS PROF ENTERS)
Prof' 'Oh that naughty assistant still hasn't closed the doors! Assistant, where are you?
(THERE IS A SNEEZE FROM WITHIN THE ROCKET)
Prof' (ENTERS ROCKET) 'Are you in there?'
(THE FOLLOWING VOICES FROM WITHIN THE ROCKET MAY NEED TO BE RECORDED)
Prof' 'What are you boys doing here? What have you touched?'
David 'Oh we haven't touched anything, honest. We just wanted to see what it was like!'
Philip 'It's smashing! Look at all these controls, what's this red one for?'
Prof 'Dont Touch That!'
(THERE IS AN EXPLOSION AND THE STAGE IS BLACKED. A LIGHT IS ON AT THE TOP OF THE ROCKET AND THERE IS MUCH NOISE AND SMOKE. THE ROCKET LIFTS OFF THE GROUND AS HIGH AS IS PRACTICAL AND FOR SUCH TIME AS IS NEEDED FOR THE SET TO BE SWITCHED. WHEN THE ROCKET COMES DOWN AND THE LIGHTS RETURN WE SEE A SIMPLE SET OF SAND DUNES. ALL OF THE OCCUPANTS EMERGE.)
Prof' 'Is everyone alright? It's lucky for you I was able to land back safely on earth!'
Philip 'Well this is the funniest Earth I've ever seen! Where are we?'
Michael 'Yes I dont recognise it at all.'
David 'Perhaps we should explore over there, we might find a road.'
Prof (TO HIMSELF AS THEY WALK OFF)
'Of course we could be in China! That would explain the long journey. Never been to China!'
(AFTER THEY HAVE LEFT A NUMBER OF 'MOON CHILDREN' APPEAR FROM BEHIND THE SAND DUNES. CAUTIOUSLY AT FIRST, THEY INSPECT THE ROCKET)
SONG : 'THIS IS A ROCKET'
(AS SONG FINISHES PROF AND BOYS RETURN)
1st Moon 'Who are you?'
Prof 'Oh thank goodness you speak English. My Chinese is terrible.'
2nd Moon 'The 'Earth Maiden' taught us English but, what's 'Chinese?'
David 'This isn't China!'
Peter 'This place is space.'
Michael 'I want to go home.'
1st Moon 'This is the Moon. Are you from Earth?
Prof' 'We most certainly are!'
(GREAT EXCITEMENT FROM THE MOON CHILDREN)
2nd Moon 'Quick, call the Earth Maiden.'
David 'Who's the Earth Maiden?'
1st Moon 'She came from earth a long time ago. Now you will be able to take her home.'
(DURING THIS PHILIP HAS BEEN SHOWING SOME OF THE CHILDREN THE ROCKET. WHILE HIS BACK IS TO THE AUDIENCE HE REMOVES HIS WOGGLE)
2nd Moon 'Here she comes. "Dont run, you'll fall..(CRASH OFF)..over"!'
E/Maiden (ENTERS PANTING) 'Blessed sand dunes, you can't see them when they're covered
in Moon Dust!'. Oh! What's that? (POINTING AT ROCKET)
David 'We're from Earth. We've just landed.'
Maiden 'Oh my goodness, after all this time someone's come.'
Prof' (WALKS FORWARD AND TAKES HER HAND) 'How do you do. I'm Professor What.'
Maiden 'Oh charmed I'm sure. Who did you say you were?'
Prof 'Not Who, he's my brother. My names 'What'.
(PROF NOW JOINS PETER WHO IS AT THE ROCKET)
David 'My names David, that's Peter...Michael.and Philip's the one who's lost his woggle AGAIN!'
(PHILIP LOOKS DOWN AT HIS SCARF AND TIES IT IN A LOOSE KNOT)
Michael I expect you'd like to get home as quickly as possible.'
Prof' 'I'm afraid none of us is going anywhere just yet. You see Peter and I have been looking
at the Rocket and we are going to have to replace a damaged part.'
Peter 'We need a Sprocket for the Rocket.'
Michael 'Oh No! Now what do we do?
(MICHAEL IS CLEARLY UPSET AND MAIDEN PULLS HIM TO HER)
Maiden 'I'm sure we can sort it out. Children, why dont you show the Professor my old crashed
Rocket. there might be a part they can use.'
1st Moon 'Alright. Come on everybody this way.'
(PROF, DAVID, PETER, PHILIP AND SEVERAL MOON CHILDREN EXIT)
Maiden 'Come on then Michael. You tell me all the latest from Earth.'
Michael 'I dont suppose things have changed much since you were there. I expect you'll be glad
to get back.'
Maiden 'Well, in some ways I will.'
SONG : 'MOTHER EARTH' (verses 1 & 2 by Maiden. Link by children)
Michael 'Cheer up, you'll see the Moon Children again. At least you dont have to go back to
boring old school! We've got a history test tomorrow.'
Maiden 'Oh I used to like History. What are you doing?'
Michael 'Mostly it's boring old dates like what happened in 1067?'
Maiden 'Well I can tell you about 1066, but what happened in 1067?
Michael 'Coronation Street started!'
(MICHAEL LAUGHS LOUDLY THEN STOPS WHEN HE REALISES NO-ONE ELSE IS LAUGHING)
Maiden 'What's 'Coronation Street?'
Michael 'How long have you been up here?'
Maiden (SADLY) 'Too long it seems.'
SONG : MOTHER EARTH (Verse 3 by Maiden)
Maiden 'Come on everyone. Come and help me pack.'
(ALL EXIT AND, FROM OPPOSITE SIDE, THE OTHERS RETURN CARRYING A PIECE OF MACHINERY WHICH PROF' AND SOME OTHERS TAKE INTO THE ROCKET. DAVID AND PETER BOTH HAVE THEIR WOGGLES MISSING.
IF POSSIBLE THE CUBS SHOULD HAVE STRONG SHADOWS.)
David (To Moon Children) 'You seem very happy that the Maiden is going home. Wont
you miss her?'
1st Moon 'Oh yes, we'll all miss her! She's looked after us for a long time.'
2nd Moon 'The trouble is her shadow is dying. So she must get back to Earth quickly.'
Philip 'What do you mean? Her shadow is dying.'
1st Moon 'We always know when someone is dying on the Moon because their shadow
2nd Moon 'But she'll be alright back on Earth where there's proper air to breathe!'
(PROF' HAS EMERGED FROM THE ROCKET)
Prof' 'Right, the Rockets ready!'
David 'Where's Michael and the Maiden?'
1st Moon 'Someone go and fetch them.'
David (LOOKING AT HIS SCARF) 'Has anyone seen a woggle?'
(MAIDEN ENTERS WITH REST OF CAST AND LOTS OF SUITCASES)
Prof' 'We can't take all that lot!'
Peter 'There is insufficient spaces for the cases.'
Maiden 'It's just a few things I've collected. I couldn't possibly go back without them.'
(MAIDEN STARTS TO CUDDLE VARIOUS CHILDREN)
Michael I'm sure we can get them in if we try.' (TO DAVID) 'Where's your woggle?'
David 'It's probably come off somewhere.'
Prof' Right then, is everybody ready?'
Maiden 'I'm sorry , I just can't leave the children.. You'll have to go without me...I'm sorry!'
1st Moon 'Of course you can leave. You've got to.'
2nd Moon 'We'll be alright. You belong on Earth.'
Maiden 'No. I can't leave you all I've been with you too long, you'll never manage without me now.'
Michael 'Why dont the Moon Children come with us to Earth?'
Philip 'We'd never get them in.'
David 'We might do. What do you think Professor?'
Prof' 'Well,...we could use one of my brothers tricks and make the inside larger than the outside.'
Philip 'Sounds like Dr Who!'
Prof' 'Oh you've met my brother!'
Maiden 'Would you children like to come home with me?'
(CHILDREN ALL SHOUT YES)
Prof' 'All right then, Peter and I will go and make the adjustments.'
David 'Lets start putting the cases in the Rocket.'
(THE CASES ARE TRANSFERRED TO THE ROCKET AND PROF RETURNS)
Prof' 'Everythings ready. Maiden in first.'
(AFTER MAIDEN THE CHILDREN FORM A QUEUE WHICH STRETCHES INTO THE WINGS. AFTER THEY ENTER THE ROCKET THEY REJOIN THE QUEUE FROM BACKSTAGE SEVERAL TIMES TO INCIDENTAL MUSIC. FINALLY THE ROCKET DOOR IS CLOSED)
Prof' (MAY NEED TO BE RECORDED) 'Right then ready? 5-4-3-2-1.'
(THERE IS AN EXPLOSION AND THE ROCKET TAKES OFF AS BEFORE. IT LANDS BACK IN PROF'S HOUSE. EVERYONE LEAVES ROCKET AND MAIDEN IS SEEN TO WHISPER SOMETHING TO MICHAEL WHO EXITS. NO CUBS HAVE WOGGLES.)
Philip 'This is the Professors house. Do you like it?'
(MOON CHILDREN VARIOUSLY NOD OR SAY YES)
Prof' 'And this (REACHES BEHIND DESK) is my Assistant. The one who didn't close
Assistant (LOOKS ROUND WITH MOUTH OPEN) 'WHO are all these people?'
Everyone 'We're not Who! That's the Professors brother!'
1st Moon 'We are the Moon Children, we've come to stay with the Maiden.'
Assistant 'But where will you live? What will you eat?'
David 'That's a point. What do you eat?'
2nd Moon 'Moondust!'
Philip 'Well there's none of that here!'
(MICHAEL HAS RETURNED AND GIVEN MAIDEN A SACK)
Maiden 'Well we've found out there's something else they like to eat.'
David 'What's that?'
Maiden (TIPS OUT SACK) 'Cub Woggles!'
REPRISE: THIS IS A ROCKET (Chorus).
THIS IS A ROCKET
What is this thing that we have here?
and where did it come from?
It smokes a lot, it's very hot,
perhaps it is a bomb!
One thing is very clear, it doesn't belong to here
But wait a Mo', I think I know,
I've seen this thing before!
if I am right.. it's got a light,
and here.. there is a door.
If I've got the right idea, this travelled through 'Space' to here!
(ALL) For this is a Rocket, Oh what a Rocket
It flies through the air very easy
and makes everyone very 'Queezy'.
But here's to the Rocket, three cheers for the Rocket
It's got every gadget that you'd ever want
there's even one for making the tea.
So this is the Rocket for me!
Sometimes in the morning, I see Mother Earth
and feeling blue, I dream of you
the land that was my birth.
(But) Nothing lasts forever, I am going home
(But) how can I leave friends who need me
they'll be left alone.
So it's goodbye to Earth Maiden
MOON It's time that you went home.
CHILDREN That's not to say, we wont see you one day
when we've got a Rocket of our own.
Sometimes in the evening, I'll stare at the Moon
and feeling blue, I'll dream of you
and hope to see you soon.
Music please write to firstname.lastname@example.org
'Return of the Earth-Maiden' Original performance
1st Bury St Edmunds (Mayors Own) 1992 ©Colin Siequien